


Take it easy

by babydragon7



Category: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (2015)
Genre: Humor, M/M, Truth Serum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:01:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25335802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babydragon7/pseuds/babydragon7
Summary: “Now, Peril, don’t be shocked, but I’ve managed to put myself in a rather ah… perilous situation”.
Relationships: Illya Kuryakin/Napoleon Solo
Comments: 6
Kudos: 160





	Take it easy

**Author's Note:**

> Not mine!
> 
> Do not try this at home. In case of emergency call emergency services, please.
> 
> Basically Napoleon being too adventurous.

Solitude is a rare commodity for a spy. Ilya is milking it for what it is worth. He loves, scratch that, tolerates Gaby and Napoleon just fine, but being on his own is also quite nice. So is room of his own and a bed he does not have to share for this mission.

The best thing – he has choices. His room adjoined with Solo’s, and American is only a knock away. However, Napoleon had retired early today; claiming he needed ‘alone’ time and Ilya resolutely had not asked anything. With Cowboy too much information was not an exaggeration, he had no decency whatsoever, or was just riling Ilya up. So Ilya would not give him a satisfaction and wonder what ‘alone’ time meant and how Napoleon was going about it. Such a simple psyche trick would not work on Ilya anyway; he was KGB’s best for a reason. Tough as nails, hard as… better not to go there.

Currently Ilya is contemplating a book or some stretching exercise when he hears a knock on the door and a familiar voice enquiring “Peril, are you asleep?”

Ilya rolls his eyes; of course Solo would not even last a couple of hours on his own.

“No, Cowboy, come on in”.

Napoleon inches in, face first and Ilya is terrified to see tears in his eyes, face pained.

“What’s wrong? What happened?”

“Now, Peril, don’t be shocked, but I’ve managed to put myself in a rather ah… perilous situation”.

The reason of Napoleon’s discomfort became apparent, when he finally goes through the door. First, he is stark naked, second – a huge dildo is stuck between his butt cheeks.

“I can’t get it out”, Napoleon says. “I’ve heard a noise, and kind of, you know, flinched and now I can’t pull it out”.

He does not sound defensive, just miserable as fuck, and Ilya did not really need to know all this and especially see all of this – he notices for one that Solo must shave hair around his cock and balls – but, fortunately, for Napoleon he has just the answer for his tiny – actually more like medium to large – problem.

“Severe muscle spasm, it seems. I will help you on one condition. If what I do does not help, we go see a doctor”. Napoleon looks horrified. “It could be a serious matter and lead to… how to say… internal bleeding”.

“Fuck,” Napoleon says. “Ok, right, let’s try your way first”.

“Lay on the bed, face down,” Ilya directs, when goes on searching through his supplies, as Napoleon complies.

“What are you going to do, Peril… ouch,” Napoleon says as Ilya stabs him with a dart.

“Don’t worry, it’s a powerful relaxant, and it should work in approximately three minutes. We wait and I try to pull it out”.

The following wait is the longest in Ilya’s life, but it is probably worst for Napoleon, Ilya thinks. After a bit he can visibly see the muscle cords in Solo’s neck and back relaxing and that’s his cue to go for the handle of the dildo.

He pulls.

“Shit”, Napoleon says.

“No,” Ilya says, “it’s clean”. The rim of Napoleon’s ass looks red and swollen, but no blood or feces are on the dildo, and probably nothing inside is damaged. However, he needs to make sure Napoleon is seeing a doctor later anyway.

Napoleon chuckles weakly.

“Could you, please, cover me up?” Ilya drops the dildo, takes a blanket and covers the prone body. When he very cautiously joins his partner on the bed. They will switch rooms, he thinks, as soon as he makes sure Napoleon is all right.

Napoleon turns his head on the pillow. “I have so many questions right now”.

Ilya sighs. “I have a cousin, who used to work in emergency room. You would not believe the stories he told me, after half a bottle of vodka. It is insane what people actually get up to in private. At least you did not use a cucumber”.

Napoleon snorts.

“Never would have guessed it about Russians. Nice to know all nations are equally depraved. Also how you are so fine with this, Peril, I have no idea. Not that I’m not grateful. Fast thinking on your part by the way. The darts? I did not know we even had them”.

“Experimental”, Ilya shrugs, “Contains powerful relaxant. Sometimes you don’t want the guards asleep, you want them conscious, but unable to move, so this might come in handy”.

Oh, fuck. He forgot. The dart did not just contain the relaxant. He needs to tell Napoleon…

Too late.

“Wish it was you fucking me instead, when we would not have that problem”.

Ilya cringes. No way in hell had Napoleon meant to tell him that.

“You want the guards conscious and talkative”, he clarifies, as Napoleon stares at him horrified. “So powerful relaxant and sodium pentothal”.

Napoleon puts his face in the pillow and muffles a groan.

“I’m sorry,” Ilya offers.

Solo looks back at him incredulously “You are? Are you fucking kidding me? Let us recap: I came in your room, naked, with that thing up my butt, and just confessed my predilection towards you…”

“I drugged you with a truth serum,” Ilya counters.

“That you did. Now I just want to tell you how I love the color of your eyes, the location and code of the safe where I’ve hidden my stash and that it was me, not Gaby, who put a toothpaste on your face the other night”.

Ilya should probably be angry, the toothpaste was strawberry and he hated the artificial smell that lingered for hours but he is just amused.

“I’m sorry I forgot about the side effect. Do you want me to dose myself, so I start to tell you embarrassingly honest things too? Fair is fair”.

“No,” Napoleon says, more like slurs, as if it is hard for him to keep even his lips moving. “I just don’t get how you can be so relaxed about it. You did not hit me or yelled at me, but all I can think about is how I ruined our friendship and partnership”.

“Nothing is ruined. Just do not be surprised to wake up covered in toothpaste one of these days. And I won’t just put it on your face”.

“Ilya…” more confessions are sure to come and some are bound to be very embarrassing for Napoleon and hard on Ilya’s psyche. They might never recover.

Ilya chooses the easy way out. He puts his lips over Napoleon's mouth and kisses him. He only needs to keep him shut up for about ten more minutes or so by his watch. 


End file.
